Stuck in the Middle
by PotionChemist
Summary: Harry Potter plays matchmaker for Valentine's Day and chaos ensues.


**Author's Note: **This one-shot was written for BoredRavenvlaw620 in the Strictly Dramione Valentine's Fic Exchange. 

To my favorite Ravenvlaw, I hope you enjoy this!

Thank you for being an awesome reader! Your comments always make me smile, so I was excited when I saw who my exchange piece was going to be for!

The prompt was: "How would I know?!"

* * *

This day was, most certainly, going down on Harry Potter's list of monumental fuck-ups. It was nearly equivalent to the time he'd run off to the Department of Mysteries in fifth year, and that was really saying something. At the moment, he found himself cowering in the corner of his kitchen, a pissed off witch hurling spells at his weakening Shield Charm.

"Harry!" Hermione shrieked. "How could you?! How could you set Draco up with Cho Chang?!"

He had absolutely no idea why she was upset. Malfoy was still a right git most of the time, but he and Cho had a lot in common. They both loved Quidditch, attended Ministry functions to schmooze, and enjoyed a strong glass of firewhisky. Harry knew they'd get on well.

Taking a chance, he attempted to reason with her. "Hermione, I don't understand why you're so upset! They'll hit it off, and Malfoy is different now. He won't hurt Cho!"

She released a ball of flame from her palm, and Harry had never been more grateful for the stone walls in the basement kitchen of Grimmauld Place.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Harry?" she bellowed.

He took a deep breath. "Hermione, can you please stop throwing spells and fire at me for just a moment so we can talk about this properly? You won't be able to lecture me about what I've done wrong if I'm dead!"

"Oh, I can lecture your corpse, Harry James Potter!"

Something about the words she'd just spoken seemed to hit her, and she lowered her wand. Keeping his eyes on Hermione, he saw the change. Her magic settled and she started to calm. "Merlin, you're like a bloody Veela when you get angry."

She flipped him the bird, and Harry considered that a vast improvement over a fireball flying in his general direction.

Sitting at the kitchen table, she cradled her head in her hands and took deep breaths, getting herself under control. Harry knew she hated the temper she'd developed after the war, but she could never fully get a handle on it. She shot hexes first and asked questions later. It was why she had opened her own healing practice rather than working at St. Mungo's — she'd come close to cursing several healers at the hospital when they told her she was wrong about something.

Of course, she hadn't been wrong — her superiors had, and she brought in peer-reviewed research to back up her argument once the dust had settled.

"I'm sorry," she said eventually. "I didn't mean to get angry and lose control."

Harry sat down beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "I'm just glad I was the one who pissed you off since I know how to handle it." When he squeezed her tighter, he heard her sniffle. "It's been a long time since it's happened, though."

"I know. I thought I was better," she said quietly.

Harry knew he had to tread carefully; she could be set off again at any moment. "You are. You're loads better than two years ago." Pausing, he considered how to phrase his next statement. "Tell me what upset you, Hermione."

"Draco," she sighed. "You set him up with Cho."

Harry tried to figure out why this would upset her — Hermione barely spoke to Malfoy. And then it hit him. She'd been calling him Draco today, and that was unusual.

"You—"

Hermione cut him off. "I fancy him, okay, Harry? Are you happy now?" She covered her face with her hands. "He came into my office to see me about residual curse damage he suffered during the war, and we've been… corresponding."

"First off, Hermione, how would I know?!" Harry said with exasperation. "And second, you've been _ corresponding _?"

She nodded. "He owls me and stops by a few times a week. I suggested some potions to help with his condition and showed him how to brew them."

Harry moved his arm off her shoulders and turned to face her, raising an eyebrow.

"I know he's a master potioneer, Harry! Don't give me that look! These potions are experimental and very sensitive, and he'd never brewed them before!"

"Right," Harry said. "And did he have trouble with them?"

"Honestly? Yes," she replied. "I was a little shocked at how many times he nearly botched them. For a master, he's not very good."

The pieces started to click together in Harry's head, and he nearly laughed. "Well, I'm sure you're the best, even if you're not a master. I'm not surprised you're better than him."

She completely missed his praise. "So, anyway, we discussed how to brew the potions and I honestly lost count of how many times I examined him. He just kept coming back — he'd brew the potions, and I'd observe him over and over again, and he'd eventually get it right, but he could never seem to do it properly when he was alone! And somewhere along the way... I missed him when he wasn't there. I guess I started to fancy him," she explained. "I know it makes no sense at all and, quite frankly, I'm a little ashamed about it. What does that say about my self-esteem, Harry? He bullied me for years!"

Harry was struggling to contain himself; Hermione was rambling like a third year with her first crush. Stuffing down his amusement, he replied with a nod of encouragement, "We both know he's different now, Hermione. I know you two have a lot in common and I'm sure he realised it, too."

"But he never made a move, Harry! I had the man down to his shorts in my office numerous times, and there was never any… lift off," she blurted. "And it's not like he invited me to dinner or anything! He just kept owling and coming back!"

Merlin, Harry loved his best friend, but she was pretty dense when it came to men. She didn't seem to understand that most were intimidated by her intelligence and beauty. In Malfoy's case, Harry was sure he was smitten, but likely afraid that she'd never forgive him for their past.

"Did you ever think to ask him out, Hermione? Or to make the first move?"

Her eyes widened. "And be rejected by him? Harry, I couldn't — I wouldn't be able to bear it! He'd never let me live it down! He's _ Malfoy _. He'd likely say something horrible about my blood status, or my hair—"

"You know he wouldn't, Hermione. You just said he's changed," he countered.

Hermione shook her head. "I did _ not _ say that, Harry. _ You _ did, and you lumped me in with your assessment."

Narrowing his eyes at her, he replied, "But you didn't fight me on it, which means you agree with me. You're just afraid."

"I am not afraid!" she yelled.

Harry rolled his eyes. "You are."

She opened her mouth to speak and then quickly closed it. "Fine. Maybe it's a bit… nerve-wracking to think about asking him on a date."

"Scary?" he taunted.

Rising from her seat, Hermione glared at him. "That is NOT what I said! And besides, it doesn't matter. He's got a date with Cho now, thanks to you, and I'm sure they'll hit it off, just like you said. I'm just going to _ Obliviate _ myself so I don't remember this conversation ever happening. Better yet, I'll just erase these ridiculous _ feelings _for Draco while I'm at it!"

Harry grabbed her wrist. "Don't do that, Hermione. Give me a week to get rid of Cho."

"How will you do that?" she asked.

In her fury, Hermione had obviously missed the part where Harry had said he'd set Draco up on a _ blind _ date with Cho.

Smirking, he replied, "I have a plan."

The next morning, Harry spotted Cho in the Ministry Atrium. She smiled and waved at him.

"Harry! Thank you so much for setting me up for Valentine's Day! It's been so hard to find someone I'm interested in," she said, batting her eyelashes.

Harry took a deep breath. He'd known for a long time that Cho was still interested in him; their one disastrous date back in fifth year not enough to dissuade her from his charms. He supposed it also helped that literally everyone in the wizarding world now realised that he and Hermione were basically brother and sister. While he was newly single and not looking to get into another relationship, he had to take one for the team and help Hermione.

He just prayed that she wouldn't cry if he snogged her again.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about that," he began. "I might have been a little less than honest with you."

Cho raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest. "Explain."

"Well, you see, I didn't set you up on a blind date. I — well, I was hoping that you'd like to go out to dinner with me. You know, I'd like to see if things would work out differently this time. I was just going to show up, but—"

Cho halted his speech with a quick peck to his lips. "Oh, I was sort of hoping that's what the plan was!"

"Well, uh, I'll see you next week then, yeah?" he replied awkwardly.

"Can't wait!" she chirped before he turned and walked away, thinking to himself, _ Hermione is damn lucky that I'm terrified of her. I'm about to take another bloody fangirl out on a date. _

Once Cho had been sorted out, Harry decided to speak with Draco. He didn't want to send Hermione on a terrible first date with someone she actually liked. If Malfoy wasn't interested in her at all, Harry didn't want to get her hopes up.

To be honest, if it went badly, Harry was terrified she might actually kill both him and Draco for good measure.

"Hey, Malfoy!" Harry shouted across the public Quidditch pitch.

The blond man turned and looked at him, smirking. "Potter. What's going on?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something."

"I actually gathered that by the way you shouted my name and came running towards me. What is it, exactly, that you have on your mind?" Draco asked.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "You're still a fucking git." Malfoy gestured for him to continue. "Hermione told me you'd been in her office a lot. I wanted to check up on you."

Draco's face actually colored a bit. "Ah. Well, nothing to worry about. Just some after effects of too many _ Crucio _s. That's what happens when you live with the Dark Lord and your psychopathic aunt." He paused for a moment and then added, "Did Granger say anything else about me?"

Harry did an internal fist pump — the awkward look on Malfoy's face coupled with his question conveyed some interest. "Oh, nothing much. She just talked about how you had trouble brewing the potions and had to go back more than once. I found that a bit odd."

Clearing his throat, he replied, "Yes, well, I didn't take very good notes the first time. Just an oversight, I assure you. My potions are the best."

"So I've been told."

"Did she mention anything else?" Draco asked, his innocent expression laughable.

After a moment of debate, Harry decided to just put all the cards on the table. "She said she's enjoyed corresponding with you—"

"She has?" Draco interrupted, an excited tone in his voice. He must have noticed it, however, because he quickly lowered his speech down a full octave and added, "I mean, of course she has. Who wouldn't enjoy hearing from me all the time? I'm a delight."

Harry didn't need to gauge Malfoy's interest anymore. He was smitten with Hermione and would certainly be excited to find her waiting for him on Valentine's Day.

"Of course you are, Draco," Harry said. "Like I said, I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I am. Totally fine. Nothing to worry about here, Potter."

Harry shook his hand and turned away, mumbling, "Yeah, except for the fact that you're a bloody lunatic."

Two days before Valentine's Day, Harry invited Hermione over for dinner to tell her about her "blind" date. When she strode into the kitchen, she was smiling.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked, though he had a feeling he already knew the answer.

Her eyes flicked over to him for a moment. "I've been owling with Draco all week. He's asked for more potion recipes and set up a biweekly physical therapy session with me. I had no idea he'd been subjected to so many rounds of the Cruciatus Curse. His whole nervous system is a mess and his muscles get so tense."

"And you're happy?"

Hermione laughed. "I'm obviously not happy he's in pain or that he was tortured, Harry. I'm happy that I get to spend more time with him. Maybe he'll notice me at some point."

_ Fucking daft. She said Ron had the emotional range of a teaspoon… she's not much better. _

"Well, about that," Harry began. "I spoke to Cho and broke their date."

At his statement, her face brightened further. "Really? How? Did you tell her he had Dragon Pox? Spattergroit? Oh, or a weird STD? That would be a good one to break a date!"

"Gross, Hermione. No. When you went all evil witch on me, you missed that I said it was a _ blind date _. They never knew who they'd be meeting. I've fixed it," Harry explained. "So now you need to meet Malfoy on Valentine's Day."

All the colour drained from her face. "I have to what?"

"Hermione, don't worry! I talked to him—" 

"You did WHAT?" she fumed. "Oh, for the love of Godric, Harry! I'm going to have to move. I'm going to have to move to Alabama and change my name! And then there will probably be a typo in it! What if I wanted to use Mulva? Or Regina? I'll end up being called Vulva or Vagina Granger!"

_ God, she's a fucking lunatic, too. They deserve each other. _

"So you're not changing your last name, then?" he quipped.

Her only response was a death glare. Well, that, and what looked like small bolts of lightning running through her hair.

"Hermione! For the love of Circe, calm the fuck down and _ listen _ to me!" He waited, watching her take deep breaths. When the electricity had receded, he said, "I talked to Draco, and he seemed very excited you'd enjoyed corresponding with him. He even blushed a little."

"Really?" she asked, reminding him a bit of Lavender Brown in sixth year.

"Yes, really! Who are you and what the fuck have you done with Hermione Granger? She doesn't act like some silly, lovesick teenager! She takes charge!" he exclaimed, sounding like a bloody cheerleader. "What's next, Hermione? Are you going to start calling him Drake? Or Drakey? Or, Merlin forbid, _ Dray-Dray _?"

"Harry! How could you compare me to _ her _?!" Hermione seethed. "You know what, I'll show you! And Draco! You're absolutely right — I need to take charge. In fact, I'm not even going to wait for Valentine's Day. I'm taking control of my life right now!"

Without a second thought, Hermione spun on her heel and Disapparated.

"Well, that's just bloody brilliant!" Harry shouted to the empty room. "Now who the hell am I going to eat dinner with?"

The next morning, Harry was scared half to death by a Floo call — he had been sitting at his kitchen table in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. When Draco's face appeared, Harry nearly groaned.

"What do you want, Malfoy?"

"Potter, I need to cancel my blind date for tonight," he said in a hushed tone. "Something… happened last night, and suffice it to say, I am no longer interested in whoever you were setting me up with."

Harry's stomach dropped, assuming that Malfoy had taken some bint home from a bar and was now infatuated with her. The hellfire that Hermione would summon would burn down half of London.

"What happened?" Harry hissed. "This woman is going to be very, very upset."

Draco looked sheepish. "Well, if you must know, someone came to my house around dinnertime yesterday, and sort of… Well, she jumped me, and it's someone I've fancied for quite some time."

"Who?" Harry asked, knowing Hermione would demand answers.

Clearing his throat, Draco replied, "It would be terribly indiscreet of me to say—"

"Just bloody tell me, Malfoy! You have no idea what kind of mess you've just caused me!"

He looked like he was considering his response carefully. "Well, actually, it was Granger—"

Harry let out a relieved sigh. "And she didn't happen to mention that _ she _ was supposed to be your date for tonight?"

"You were setting me up with Hermione?" Draco asked, shocked.

"Get out of my Floo. We'll talk about it another time!" Harry snapped. "Honestly, the two of you are a mess."

"Harry, this place is wonderful!" Cho exclaimed. "How did you get us a table here?"

Rolling his eyes, Harry said, "Well, uh, that's not the kind of thing that's hard for me since the war."

She grinned brightly. "Oh, of course not! How silly of me!"

From the moment he'd picked her up at her flat, Cho had been fawning over him and talking about how happy she was that they'd reconnected. Honestly, for a Ravenclaw, she was acting like an airheaded twit. Harry wanted to meet someone who liked him for him, someone who would call him on his shite, not someone who only wanted to stroke his ego and warm his bed.

All through the night, she showered him with compliments and didn't talk about anything substantial. While Harry wasn't overly intellectual, he would've liked it if she tried to talk about more than what she admired about him. He couldn't even get her to talk about Quidditch, which was disappointing — they'd even discussed the sport when they had their disastrous date in fifth year.

"Cho," he said, interrupting her retelling of the end of the Battle of Hogwarts from her point of view. "Do you think I like talking about the war on a first date?"

Her eyes widened. "I mean, I just thought you'd want to know how I saw it."

"Nope," he responded, knowing he was being rude. "Actually, the war is one of my very least favourite things to talk about, especially when I should be enjoying myself."

Her teeth sunk into her lower lip, and he saw the tears pooling in her eyes.

_ Oh, fuck. Not again. Please don't cry. _

"I'm sorry. That was rude. Can we start over?" Harry asked, and she nodded. "Let's talk about you. What have you been up to since Hogwarts, Cho?"

After he'd redirected her, the night had gone along swimmingly. She talked about her hobbies, hopes, and dreams and absolutely lit up. He remembered why he'd fancied her when they were younger. When she wasn't trying to flatter or impress him, she was quite brilliant. And of course she was still drop dead gorgeous, her dark hair and eyes enchanting him from across the table.

Towards the end of their date, a wave of chatter broke out in the restaurant. When he looked at the entrance, he saw that Draco had an arm looped around Hermione's waist and she was smiling brightly, looking at him like he'd invented a potion to cure lycanthropy and freed all of his house-elves in the same day. Harry snickered and, when Cho looked at him with confusion lacing her features, he said, "Turn around and look at who just walked in."

When she turned back to face him, her jaw dropped. "Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy? On a Valentine's Day date?"

Harry nodded. "Yes. I set them up. Apparently Draco's been going to her office to learn how to brew potions."

Cho cocked her head in question; she knew Malfoy was a master potioneer, as well.

"That was my reaction, too, but Hermione thought her experimental potion was just giving him difficulty," Harry began, rolling his eyes. "The Brightest Witch of Her Age can't figure out when a bloke is interested in her. Go figure."

"I'm surprised she's interested in him," Cho stated. "He was always so horrible to her at school."

Shrugging, he replied, "They're actually really well suited. I never would've guessed that Malfoy spent nearly as much time reading as Hermione did, or that he'd go and get himself a serious career after the war. They're both really invested in helping people recover from the war, both physically and mentally."

"I can see that now that you've explained it," she answered. "I wonder if it'll work out for them."

"I'm not sure yet. I haven't really seen them interact." Harry paused when the waiter came over, writing down his Gringotts vault information for payment.

A mischievous grin spread across Cho's face. "Do you want to go and say hello? See how they act?"

"You want to crash their date?" he said, surprised and yet enamored with the way her face lit up.

She stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him out of his seat and leading him towards Draco and Hermione. When Draco noticed them approaching, he glared and Hermione turned around. Beaming at him, she stood up to greet them, hugging Cho first.

"It's so wonderful to see you! I hope Harry's been showing you a good time!"

Noticing Draco's scowl, Harry quickly interjected, "Of course I am, Hermione. Are you having a good time?"

She turned and smiled at Draco, and his glower faded away. As usual, he'd hated losing the attention. Harry assumed that his normal tendencies would be amplified when it came to Hermione's focus — he wanted her all to himself, especially right now.

"The best," she replied. "In fact, I'm going to have to get back to my date. We'll talk tomorrow, yeah?"

Harry had never been brushed aside by Hermione, though he supposed it made sense. She'd really, really wanted this date and was probably terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing.

"Maybe we could double some time!" Cho said, taking Harry's hand again.

Draco arched an eyebrow. "Maybe. That sounds like it would be a treat, Chang. We all know how much Potter and I love each other."

"These two," she began, gesturing to Harry and Hermione, "come as a set. I'm pretty sure you've learned that by now."

Sighing deeply, Draco replied, "Oh, as unfortunate as that is, I'm well aware."

"Stop teasing," Hermione scolded. "He's not even fighting back."

After an awkward moment of silence, Harry waved and started leading Cho away. Her hand was still in his, and he found that their fingers laced together perfectly. Walking silently down Diagon Alley, he felt his heart start pounding. He wasn't sure if he should try to extend their date — he'd only planned on dinner, but he'd started enjoying her company somewhere down the line.

Before the silence stretched on for too long, he blurted, "Do you want to fly a bit? I know it's cold, but—"

Cho stopped him with a laugh. "I'd love to. We're able to cast warming charms, and I've flown in February before."

"Right," he said, embarrassed. "I'm just going to Apparate us back to mine if you don't mind."

She turned and faced him, gently pressing her lips to his, and he spun on the spot before someone could snap a photo.

The next morning, Harry was on cloud nine and couldn't wait to talk to Hermione. Cho hadn't stayed the night, saying that she wanted to take things slow, and he'd been fine with it. In fact, he'd been ecstatic to know she didn't want to just hop into bed with him. While he'd had a case of blue balls from her being pressed against him on the broomstick, he knew waiting would make it so much better down the road.

And he really hadn't thought he'd already be thinking down the road, especially with how Cho had treated him since the war and the way the date had started out.

With a spring in his step, he used the Floo to get to Hermione's flat and immediately regretted that decision. When he stepped out into her living room, boldly proclaiming that he'd had a spectacular date, he was met with an eyeful of Draco Malfoy's bare arse while he was thrusting into Hermione from behind, her body pinned to her dining table by his. Honestly, he wasn't even sure if she'd heard his arrival — she was screaming like she was being murdered by Draco's cock.

"I love you, Granger," he grunted after a particularly brutal thrust that made her wail. "Sweet Salazar, I can't get enough of your pussy."

"Good, because I expect you to keep fucking it all day," she replied in broken speech, pants and moans escaping between the words.

Draco looked over his shoulder. "Potter, this isn't a bloody porno. Get the fuck out!"

Harry saw Hermione stiffen. "Draco! He's not really here, is he?"

With a smug tone, Malfoy said, "Oh, you must have really been coming hard if you didn't hear the Floo. He's here. And he had an excellent date with Chang." After a moment, he added, "Though, it can't have been that great if he's here watching us fuck instead of letting her ride his broomstick."

"I already let her do that, Malfoy," Harry seethed.

Hermione tried to stand up, but Draco held her down. "He's not seeing your tits, Granger."

"Summon me some bloody clothes, then! He's clearly not leaving and I'm getting a bit uncomfortable with this voyeurism. It's like shagging in front of my brother."

"I'll just… use the bathroom," Harry said, making himself scarce while Hermione and Malfoy covered up.

Hermione rapped on the door. "You can come out."

Sheepishly, he opened the door and met her eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise—"

"I know. It's fine. Just fucking awkward," she replied. "Why are you here anyway? I had every intention of taking Draco home with me last night, which I thought you understood—"

"How would I know?!" he shouted, cutting her off. "It's not like you usually take blokes home after one date."

And he immediately knew that had been the wrong thing to say. Hermione's eyes darkened and she glared at him, magic crackling all around her.

"What did you just say to me, Harry James Potter?! Didn't you just say you let Cho _ ride your broomstick _?"

Fuck. He had. He'd missed the double entendre.

"I didn't mean it like that! I took her flying!"

Harry saw the electricity gathering in her palm and he figured lighting was a safer alternative to fire — at least he wouldn't be burned alive. Electrocution might not kill him. He'd survived the Killing Curse twice, after all.

However, before she could throw the bolt of lightning at him, Draco's palm settled on her shoulder. She instantly relaxed, the magic coursing into him like he was some sort of magnet for it. His hair stood on end, but other than that, he showed no reaction to it.

"It's okay, Granger," Malfoy soothed. "What we're doing is fine. He's just an imbecile when it comes to choosing words."

"How did you keep her from going all Dark Willow on me?"

Malfoy looked perplexed at his statement, but Hermione laughed. "Dark Willow? Are you serious? I wasn't about to bring on the end of days!"

"Just the end of_ my _ days," Harry quipped. "But seriously, Hermione, I was coming to talk about Cho. I think… I might actually like her. Once I told her to stop fawning over me, she was actually a lot of fun."

Draco looked to Hermione. "Chang is a lot of fun. She knows her firewhisky and loves to dance. She's an excellent Seeker, as well."

"Did you know Cho was supposed to be your date?" Hermione asked Draco, teasing him with a note of jealousy in her voice. "Harry thought you'd be able to bond over Quidditch and whatever else."

Shifting his focus to Harry, Malfoy asked, "Is that true?"

Harry nodded sheepishly. "Yeah. Hermione nearly killed me when she found out. I hadn't known she fancied you."

Draco smirked at her, pulling her into his arms. "Well, Granger, I'm happy you got angry and it ended up being you instead. Quidditch and firewhisky doesn't compare to this connection we have. I knew you found me irresistible — that's why I kept coming back."

Under his breath, Harry murmured, "More like contagious stupidity."

"It's true," Hermione said, kissing him. "You're just too sexy to resist. I love the brooding type."

Malfoy's hands started to wander, skating along the waistband of the joggers Hermione had pulled on. It was obvious he was desperate to resume their sex marathon, and she was encouraging him, pressing her arse back into his groin and lacing her fingers through his.

He had to get out of there before he was called a voyeur again. Or saw Hermione's tits. Or heard more dirty talk. He'd nearly fainted when she said she expected Malfoy to keep fucking her all day.

"And on that note, I'm leaving. Come see me when you're… done," Harry stated, walking towards the Floo. "Maybe we could have that double date sooner than expected."

All in all, it had turned out to be a pretty successful Valentine's Day — Hermione hadn't killed everyone in England in a jealous rage, and he'd actually found something worth exploring with Cho. Hell, Harry was even happy that Malfoy was getting some. Merlin knew the bloke had essentially become a recluse after the war and rarely talked to women.

He just hoped and prayed that he never walked in on that particular scene ever again.

Harry Potter could survive the Killing Curse, but he thought he might actually die on the spot if he saw Draco Malfoy's bare arse more than once.


End file.
